Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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