I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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