Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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