there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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