I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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