Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
