this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
