the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
