Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
