I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
