Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
