my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
no you cant smoke seaweed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
