are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
