I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
