I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
