shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize