First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
