i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
