Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
