Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
