she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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