I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
