The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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