He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
