We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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