Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
