He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
