I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize