I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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