you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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