I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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