Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
