I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
