that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
