Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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