im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize