I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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