eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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