so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Randomize
