Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
