I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
