Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
