ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
