people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
