nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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