Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
