cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
