I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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