my mouth tastes like poor choices
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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