just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
