The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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