you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
