My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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