The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
