side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
