so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
