I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
